First Perfect Month in a couple years

It has been a painful few days but I finally achieved a goal I’ve been dying (nearly) to do since the Pandemic kicked in. Thanks to a really long, brisk walk around downtown Austin on New Year’s Day, I got this matter rolling. Then a trip to Planet Fatness or the gym in the hotel, I achieved this little virtual badge or award which I personally have concluded that Apple developed the first NFTs. Think about it. You work your ass off to pull these off, they’re not transferrable to other people and in the end, they’re not worth any real money.

Let’s see if I can keep it up. I can imagine I could, this is the shortest month of the year.

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Welcome February 2022, Year of the Tiger!

Keeping with my recent 2020 tradition, I have gone with the Chinese New Year/Zodiac animal to decorate my site’s header art. Unlike oxen (bulls) or rats, there are numerous, famous tigers to choose from. I chose the ones I prefer and have familiarity with. Tony for Kellogg’s frosted flakes who I recently learned wasn’t the original spokes-animal. As per Business Wars covering the battles between Kellogg’s, Post, Quaker Oats and General Mills (the top corporations), Tony and a now-forgotten kangaroo were both introduced in the Fifties through animated ads. It was up to kids to decide who they preferred in the long run. Not much of a contest I’d say. What does a frequently horny marsupial native to Australia have to offer as a catchphrase?

Then there’s Shere Khan from The Jungle Book but he’s a more effective semi-villain in Tale Spin in the Nineties. Can’t overlook Hobbes, the thoughtful, rational companion to sociopath Calvin. Tigger had to be included now that the whole Winnie the Pooh franchise has been liberated from the Evil Mouse as the property’s copyright expired, putting the whole crew into the Public Domain. Hope you’re sucking it in Hell Walt Disney.

My last choice is there to also honor Black (American) History Month, the Eighties incarnation of superhero Bronze Tiger when he was a member of Suicide Squad, before it became DC’s attempt at a whole team of Deadpools via the sluttified Harley Quinn. Suicide Squad‘s main writer John Ostrander gave the Denny O’Neil creation much more depth, character and badassery which made him a favorite of mine to this day. The Batman: the Brave and the Bold cartoon gave him a cool arc in Batman’s past (they were martial art students in their youth). Arrow didn’t make good use of him in my opinion, especially when the show gave him snap-on claws to give him a Wolverine vibe. During Ostrander’s tenure of planting the seeds to make Suicide Squad the anti-(super)hero comic you know after it had been a WWII title from the Fifties, Bronze Tiger was a core member. Since he was a “good guy,” Amanda Waller often made him co-leader and in charge of keeping the real villains in line as their exploding bracelets were a last resort.

What really impressed me about Ostrander’s decision to incorporate Bronze Tiger was how he never rebooted the character’s semi-cheesy and villainous past. The hero’s secret identity is Ben Turner, a young man from an affluent Black family in Central City. He was introduced as the Black best friend to Richard Dragon, star of a comic lazily named  Richard Dragon, Kung Fu Fighter during the Kung Fu craze in the Seventies thanks to Bruce Lee’s success. When the fad ended, Ben resurfaced later as a villain because he had been captured and brainwashed by the League of Assassins; the same one founded by the immortal Ra’s al Ghul). He eventually fights Batman when he was assigned to kill Batwoman. Bronze Tiger fails the mission yet goes on to be one of only three people to kick Batman’s ass in martial arts. If you’re curious, the other two are Deathstroke (lame!) and Kobra (the crazy cult leader trying to usher in the Kali Yuga, the Age of Chaos). Amanda Waller rescued him and got him deprogrammed, making him the hero we now love.

Let’s hope the Chinese Zodiac picked an animal capable of bringing this CV-19 shit to a complete finale too.

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You could say this sign is GOAT

To many people, the sign says, “Don’t feed the goat,” but there are always unfortunate people whose brains won’t immediately put the icons together and conclude this. The most outrageous possibility will be, “Careful! This goat bites Italians (making their trademarked gesture).” The designer should’ve spent the additional energy to put a carrot or other visible food item the goat would be attracted to. Contrary to Depression-era cartoons, they don’t eat tin cans so I doubt they have a taste for human fingers.

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RIP Howard Hesseman

Sad to see him pass. Glad I met him briefly at WizWorld with Lonnie Anderson. I could blame him partially for my bad career/college choices via Dr. Johnny Fever; I wanted to be a DJ or work in radio. It wasn’t until WKRP was in syndication that he influenced me; when the show was originally shown, I was a little kid and didn’t understand its significance or how it was trying to warn the public about Lee Abrams would homogenize FM into utter crap. My parents were pretty excited for the show due to him. I know why now. Before WKRP, Howard was a frequent comedy and guest presence on Dragnet, The Smothers Brothers and the numerous MTM SitComs. His comedy was honed through the California troupe called The Committee, likely an ironic poke at the Right Wing Squares who irrationally feared Sovietism.

Later generations knew him as the teacher Mr. Moore on Head of the Class, the old Hippie Liberal trying to expand the minds of a school’s gifted class in the Eighties thanks to St. Reagan making the GOP’s imaginary Fifties® allegedly cool.

I loved him as the police chief in Clue, another record-label person trying to help the struggling and not self-aware Spinal Tap and the well-meaning police captain in the surprisingly good Police Academy 2. I had no recollection of his cameo in The Jerk or Americathon, two great Seventies’ comedies which captured the zeitgeist of their day I need to watch again. I highly recommend both. Should I watch any other worthwhile SitComs, I need to be more on the look out for him, namely That Seventies Show.

Thanks for everything Howard!

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More Caturday and why pizza boxes have holes

Look out Pizza Rat, here’s Pizza Cat! Actually, I do know why the boxes have holes, some of the heat has to vent out or else the pizza would be all sweaty. I could see one of Jennifer’s cats trying to do this because my trio have no appetite for human food which is rarity to have so many at once with this level of distaste.

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Operation Manhattan slips via Floor & Decor

The jury remains out…for now, as I too work in the Customer Service field so I have sympathies with the other side which is really being put to the test tonight. My home remodeling has decided to happen at the convergence of two shit storms: The Austin market being worse than normal in terms of demand (thanks Californicators) and CV-19 leading to the Great Resignation as demo’d by getting someone with half a brain at F&D. Ergo, I’m at the mercy of the contractors for the former and the return of Austin Time on the latter.

Let me explain Austin Time further. It’s a cousin of Hawaii’s Aloha Time, Irish Punctuality and how clocks are just a loose guideline in Latin America. When I moved here 28 years ago, my adopted home had horrendous, entitled service and it was probably thanks to Hippies. Everybody here had a story about how their waiter/waitress disappeared in the middle of their dining experience. It happened to me on my first night out with Doc and Eiko! Plus employees often greeted you with a surly “yeah, whatcha’ want?” or “hurry up, I have plans tonight!” Meanwhile, you weren’t allowed to ignore the tip jar. King of the Hill mocked it multiple times.

Those of you who know me are aware of how much I’ve mellowed since I was a teen or young adult in his obnoxious twenties. Even without my matador skills that I deploy daily at my job, I’m 99% of the time polite with service/retail workers. I get it, your gig sucks ass, the pay isn’t great and many other Amerikans have hairline triggers. Believe me, I never envied the wait staff serving my grandparents who forgot about the Emancipation Proclamation.

However, the executive caste-holes running Floor & Decor need to get their collective shit together. The Parmer/I-35 store was poorly understaffed. We said, screw this and booked it to the Braker Lane location which was nominally better. A very nice person took the order after I showed I had been approved for credit. They were probably exhausted from the phone call they were taking before me in person. I felt for them and the previous person who irked Jennifer with the statement, “I’m off the clock, I can’t help you.” I prefer them to have what little labor-law protection they get in Neo-Confederate Texas than to get pissed at them exercising what few rights they’re allowed.

Once the order was in place, we breathed relief and enjoyed dinner via Culver’s! The real thing from Wisconsin.

Today, my blood pressure shot back up. I paid the $350 to F&D for delivery of the materials. They had a week to prep the materials for shipping and transport. I even took the day off from work to be here for the truck. Their website was no help, only Wal-Mart-level AI answers, not humans. Calling was equal to running a half marathon but when I got a human, I found out the order wasn’t even started. The half-assed compromise I received from the manager was the night crew would put it together and the stuff will be at my house Monday at the earliest, they don’t do weekends. Now I have to tell the contractor, don’t bother with Monday, there’s no stuff to install.

The whole experience is filling me with dread about the near future. Given the greed and amoral nature of Amerikan Kapitalism, the nation’s true religion, the small gains Labor is winning in the Service Industry will be short lived because the long-term goal of replacing the people with robots is getting fast-tracked. Self-driving trucks, robot bell-hops for hotels and a kiosk to take an order with a hotline to a person who can answer the harder questions since AI isn’t there yet. I’m impressed with how much sooner laborer-bots are coming along as they’ll accompany the trucks.

Now I’m going to numb myself of the immediate dread on how long Jennifer and I will be living in a hotel and how much vacation I’m losing.

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1302: Dante expelled from Florence

As many famous Italians artists of the Renaissance, we Americans only know the writer by Dante’s first name and are often stumped when asked, it’s Alighieri. The world also just knew him for his poetry but full-time writing came somewhat later for him. His original career path was more similar to Machiavelli’s as he was involved with the politics of governing Florence. He was a prior which is an odd title for a secular job, usually a prior operates or runs a monastery or religious (Christian) order. I’m guessing that Florence’s republic in the 13th to 14th century functioned along the lines of a city council. Well, on this day, Dante got the boot and since he had eliminated previous rivals by the same means, his enemies cheered. Like my maternal grandma would say, live by the sword…die by the sword.

Dante used the opportunity to produce his most famous work a few years later, The Divine Comedy, a three-parter he composed in fits n’ starts over the last 13 years of his life. Again, we mostly know about the first section in which Virgil gives the narrator a tour through Hell. In the less-remembered sequels, Virgil returns to show you around Purgatory; a recent Christian invention to retain followers after earlier generations figured out “Why bother, everything earns a ticket to Hell!” The finale has Virgil pass the baton to Beatrice to show off Paradise, coincidentally her name of was the same as Dante’s childhood crush.

The poetic works were very popular amongst the literate residents of the Italian peninsula and nearby lands. What may have helped out was his choice of using a contemporary dialect of Italian he spoke instead of Latin, the preferred language educated Europeans utilized. Mocking the current Pope was another element you couldn’t go wrong with too. Contrary to our modern perceptions, the common people were quite away what hypocrites their religious leaders were so any chance to ridicule them in their version of The Onion brought laughter.

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This month’s Astronomy joke

Yes, I know. If a joke requires the recipient to think about it too long, then it’s either not funny or the audience is dumb. I side with the latter camp since everyone should know this regarding the famous constellation. Allegedly, the Egyptians lined up their pyramids at Giza to match the stars’ locations back when they were new. The only people I will give a pass on this are residents in the southern hemisphere. I don’t think they can see Orion easily or at all, much as I cannot see the closest solar system with a chance of a real, earth-like world orbiting it…Alpha Centauri.

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Those who don’t learn from History…try to sanitize it

I wouldn’t be surprised if these were the posters Youngkin circulated around Virginia to solidify the White Trash and Centrist (aka Polite Racist) votes. How I wish Jim Kelly (the star on the poster) were still alive, he would’ve been amused by this satirical take.

The Amerikan Taliban (formerly known as the GOP) are going to hitch their fortunes to this teaching tract to win elections and I’m afraid it will be a winner since the average US citizen is a C- student in History and Civics at best. Trust me, the majority of crap Hollywood churns out is often believed with very little skepticism and whenever those who really know the truth point out the inaccuracies, they’re quickly hushed with, “Oh stop being a wet blanket, it’s entertainment!” What else can we do? The History Channel went from being mostly the WWII Documentary Channel to the cheaper, more profitable White Trash Under Pressure Network alongside TLC (The Learning Channel) and I dread to find out how far PBS has sunk to compete.

Now I’m confident there is a strain of CRT which is probably anti-White and/or blames White Americans for everything from bad weather to why they didn’t get tenure at Howard. All throughout human History, somebody with a chip on their shoulder has a scapegoat on why success evaded them. When it’s Ayn Rand, she’s an unsung hero to the Right despite her being a terrible writer, a horrendous human and a hypocritical xenophobe originally from Russia. Should it be a Black American with similar traits as Rand’s, then the band wagon agrees, hey, sour grapes.

As a White American Heterosexual Male, the favored target of certain Leftist/Liberal axegrinders, I don’t fear CRT. It’s naive to hide the truth about America’s slave-using past and continue to gloss over as if we’re all square after 1865. We have numerous past examples to examine. Case in point, after the Norman takeover of England in 1066, it took centuries for the infighting between the previous Anglo-Saxon residents (who also invaded around 400 AD) and the newly arrived Norman overlords to end. So the tensions between the many Black Americans, whose ancestors were involuntarily enslaved and the White Americans whose families got rich from the free labor, won’t end quickly. Then throw in the other White and Asian Americans who came after 1865 getting to cut in line before Blacks, you have another dilemma; it’s the one I’m mostly saddled with being a Yankee since Italian-derived people got promoted to White over 60 years ago.

One step toward the healing is to acknowledge the past, warts and all. I’m confident the majority’s sense of fairness will kick in toward preventing future atrocities. There will always be one asshole kid in the crowd who is a future Newt Gingrich or Majorie Taylor-Greene to muck matters up (I remember those greasy-haired Reaganauts I saw at Marquette); the majority can politely tell those racists to STFU. There’s no guilt. There’s no inferiority complex involved. Nobody is superior. We can go, wow, that sucked and was atrocious, let’s do all we can to never do it again and the first step is to remember, we’re all Americans and when we’re all doing better, we all do better.

Sadly the wedge matter which the Right alongside the Left’s Idiot faction can’t handle is how well-taught History is often similar to great Comedy, it is meant to create discomfort as the truth isn’t sanitary. With honest conversations and sincere debate, we will learn and not turn into supremacists or blamethrowers or apologists. There’s no guarantee of a better future as per the cliché, just a better understanding on how we got to where and how we are. What we want the future to be is up to all of us.

Where I probably veer off into unpopular turf with my Leftist Allies is the subject of reparations. I do agree it needs to be researched and let’s see how the various European states handled it well and poorly with Holocaust survivors. It will be tricky. Over 150 years have passed so the immediate recipients are all gone. The other complication is the intermarriages which have occurred between Black Americans and non-Blacks creating the argument about who then qualifies for the compensation. It sounds racist and stupid but it happens constantly within America’s First Nations, especially when it comes to paying reservation casino dividends. Many people were members of various nations, tribes, etc. and suddenly they get legally re-defined as something else to make sure certain power brokers at the top keep more. Speaking of the First Nations, if there’s anybody who should be at the front of the line for reparations from America, it’s them. They may not have been brought here in chains but they lived on this land from 12,000 to 25,000 years before 1492 and their descendants survived a War of the Worlds-level genocide. If we can formulate a fair, moral and just outcome with the remaining First Nations, then we’ll have a good starting point with Black America and CRT will be an afterthought.

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He’s everyone’s savior and wingman!

He’s the only co-pilot I know who can magically pay with cash, grass or ass, the latter by calling in favors owed to him by Mary Magdalene. Jesus learned the hard way that nobody would give him a ride for fish and loaves.

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1957: Wham-O produces the first Frisbees

You’d think this toy had its origins in the Fifties as plastic was getting rolled out into the wonder substance for everything: toys, car parts, food storage, etc. Oddly, name comes from a baker in 1871 called The Frisbie Pie Company of Bridgeport, CT because university students would repurpose the pie tins as flying discs. They’d allegedly yell “Frisbie” as they launched them at each other. Wow! So people were morons well before cornhole.

Decades later it was perfected into its first plastic incarnation in 1948 as the Flying Saucer given UFOs being all the rage. One of the two guys behind the Flying Saucer sold it to Wham-O in 1955 as the Pluto Platter and the toy company rolled them out on this day 65 years ago. They gave it a catchier name in 1958…Frisbee, to go along with Wham-O’s other hit toys you can’t forget: the Hula-Hoop, Super Ball (not made of an egg yolk and vinegar as my brother learned as a kid) and the Water Wiggle. I’m not sure if the misspelling was intentional since we live an era of pirates doing this constantly to dodge copyright filters. A decade later, the Frisbee was modified one last time to strengthen its trademark by having a band of raised ridges on the top to stabilize flight. I should ask someone better versed in Physics to tell me if this is true. It sounds more like something to make Frisbee more defensible in a court case than to improve its toyetic nature.

The Frisbee would go on to be a big part of Austin’s Hippie culture since there’s a Frisbee golf course near my house. It runs through Wells Branch and some days, you can see people waiting to tee off at a “hole,” on a bridge closer to I-35. I have no idea how it works nor do I really care. To me, Hippies found a way to make an incredibly boring activity which is really Eco-Terrorism purported by the Rich and Political Caste, and elevated it to a new level of shittyness. I can see a match between Nigel from The Young Ones v. Bill Clinton while they share reefer.

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RIP Louie Anderson

At least his career went out on a high note with Baskets on FXX. Now that the show has wrapped up, I need to watch it since local fave Martha Kelly was in it too.

If you are a Gen Xer, you knew him from The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and all the comedy showcases during the Eighties Comedy Boom. Of course, he had a role wedged into Eddie Murphy’s not very funny Coming to America everyone raves about. He had other cameos in favorite movies: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Quicksilver and The Wrong Guys. I didn’t say they were good movies. Millenials had his Saturday morning cartoon Life with Louie.

Sadly, he never got a chance to break into mainstream success via a SitCom. Louie was originally cast as the American cousin in Perfect Strangers pilot (aka Mork & Mindy for the late Eighties) yet he didn’t have the right chemistry for Bronson Pinchot’s schtick. He tried again with a show on CBS which he felt was destroyed by too many “notes,” (aka CBS executives interjecting dumb shit). It had six episodes made and I’m guessing CBS aired the flop during the Summer of 1996 to fill time. Despite it failing, it starred others who went on to greater success: Bryan Cranston before Malcolm in the Middle and obviously Breaking Bad; Paul Feig before Sabrina the Teenage Witch and his masterpiece Freaks & Geeks; and Laura Innes who had a long run with ER.

He still continued to have bit parts throughout TV shows from then on while landing the big gem, taking over for Richard Dawson on Family Feud until Steve Harvey became the current host. Then I saw he had a long residency in Las Vegas with Palace Station, this is where I stole his idea of making all my Brushes with Greatness a screen saver changing pictures every hour. I also discovered his 1996 show through his little trophy wall.

At the end, I saw all the outpouring of sympathy and love for him via his fellow comedians and actors. I am just hoping there was a reconciliation between Louie and a personal fave of mine, Tom Rhodes. According to Tom through one of his routines, when he was a young winner of Funniest Person in Florida, Louie inappropriately hit on him. We’re not talking something as disgusting as Louis CK’s bullshit, just ugly circumstances and probably fear of what Louie could’ve done to Tom’s early career which is the oldest story in show biz. As we all know, Tom escaped the situation and has gone on to have a great livelihood touring, a SitCom in the Nineties and hosting a travel show in the Netherlands. Again, I just hope Louie made amends given how unrepentant Bill Cosby remains.

Regardless of your personal failures, thank you Louie for all the laughs. Sure you got your foot in the door with Carson doing fat jokes at your expense but it was the endless tales about your Midwest/Minnesota family who provided you longevity. I will never stop telling the bit about how your older siblings would taunt you about your “real parents” hiding in the basement.

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YES! Operation Manhattan is back on track

Today, I successfully refinanced my house for what I hope is the last time. There were a couple times to help pay off the debts via Somara’s student loans and to give her partial ownership. Then to punish Wells Fargo. Lastly, I had no choice in 2019 as it was necessary in order to buy Somara out and my credit rating could’ve been better.

The great people of UFCU did a great job as always. I originally asked to borrow against the equity or value but they did me one better, they refinanced the whole kit and caboodle while getting me locked into an improved rate. I was 4.75% and now 3.25% so my monthly payment is roughly the same while I got a chunk of change to start the process to replace my house’s floors! We hope there will be enough left over to also remodel both bathrooms.

With the money to appear in my checking account in a few days, I can tell the contractor to proceed, lock in a start date and we’re on our to Floor & Decor to pick out all the materials. I’ll let Jennifer do the selecting. All I ask is…will it be easier to clean up cat messes and can I buy a robot to do the routine sweeping?

Am I worried about other matters? Namely with how long the judge is dragging ass on the QDRO, ending any further financial obligations to Somara? No. Everything was signed and there are no backsies like the playground days. The divorce was finalized over two years ago. Somara has her own place and I think she enjoys it. She’s closer to her parents and she told me she adopted a dog to enjoy the backyard. Me? I got what I wanted all along, a location close to the city.

Let’s see how far I can get the equity to go given it’s a contractor’s market with all the sellers competing.

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Gen Con & San Diego Comic Con for Dumb Bros & Proud Boys

I can already smell the horrible mixture of Axe Body Spray, Teslas and Failure. I’m not exactly sure the world needs more “Alphas” such as these clones. Obviously, the people behind this gathering in the Mormon Vatican have never read Brave New World. So-called Alphas (leaders I’m guessing) need the assistance of Betas, Deltas, Gammas and Epsilons to make things happen. Being someone who pretty much knows he’s a Beta/Beta Plus in Huxley’s novel, understands how our role models (Mr. Data, Mr. Spock) are leaders in their own right and their positions play to their strengths: providing information, providing guidance and can also take command when the time demands it.

This odd convention is also conspicuously lacking in Alphas who are female and/or non-white. In the LGBTQ department? I’m going to go out on a limb and say those fellow Americans are also intentionally left out given the city hosting this; the Mormons’ council of old white men remain obstinate on gay/trans rights.

Lastly, there’s also a good chance I’ve been suckered. These gentleman’s names aren’t quite obvious jokes a la Bart Simpson’s prank calls or the low-brow jokes we told in college (Heywood Jablowme, Dick Gozinya). They’re more in line with the lazier names I’ve seen in numerous Star Wars or D&D novels. Even if this is a weird joke, I do like it and wouldn’t be surprised if Girth Vader and his handlers discovered it, thought it was real and then complained about why Girth wasn’t invited to be the key speaker.

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Oh yeah, poor Cowboys were the only “upset”

Of all the teams to lose to the wild card (49ers), it had to be them while the others had close calls but succeeded in advancing, damn it, can’t stand the Chiefs, especially their smug QB. On the upside, my Packers won home-field advantage all the way and thanks to the Cowboys and Jerryworld blowing it, we have the easier (in theory) team to beat before we face either the Rams or the Bucs. I may not be able to hear all the bloviating on ESPN while I’m at the gym but I could see all the blah blah about the head coach getting to keep his job despite another disappointment for the most overpriced and entitled team in the NFL; entitled? Yeah. They should be in the NFC South, not the East. Anyway, from what little I saw of them, I think Dallas had a rocky year yet they seem to have potential and I personally believe it’s too early to start blowing up the lineup as per Chicago’s strategy every three seasons. Man, all you could read/hear via Twitter with the Da’ Bears’ fans was their coach’s head on a pike. Ouch.

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