ACL Fest 2020 Cancelled

Citing concern for everybody’s safety, which is a good enough reason for me, the overrated, bloated gathering of douchebags paying too much to see dinosaur acts…is cancelled for 2020. Given my tirade there, you can tell I’m not upset, much like all the pity I gave SXSW not happening. Besides, ACL Fest’s lineup isn’t terribly different from all the other overpriced bullshit festivals Kapitalism found a way to ruin. If there’s one thing COVID-19 will hopefully put a stake through and kill, it should be these lame concerts for poseurs who think it’s alright to bring a godammed toddler with them.

Posted in Austintatious, Concert, Music | Tagged | Leave a comment

Half way through 2020!

To cheer us all up, I decided make my header one of the best movies ever made in the Eighties. Hell, it’s so perfect, I can’t think of a single complaint about it.

On July 3, 1985, Back to the Future made its debut in theaters across the States and probably Canada. Ergo, I made it my header to celebrate 35 years of time-travel comedy! I didn’t do this for 30 because I was pretty sick yet I did attend a 30th anniversary screening at Alamo Drafthouse Lamar.

July 1 also means we’re at the peak of Summer Vacation, if we’re kids, teens or college students. Hollywood tends to reveal its best movie around the upcoming three-day weekend too. I’m not going to discuss any past hits…none come to mind while I’m writing this entry!

Back does have a special place in my heart. Not necessarily the film but the events around seeing it. My cousin Leesa and I got the opportunity to ditch everyone at her house to have some young adult time for McFly’s misadventure. I can’t remember the series of events correctly or if Back was within this outing. I only recall hanging out with a couple of Leesa’s friends, playing putt putt golf, hitting a mall arcade to play a video game version of Trivial Pursuit (it’s one reason why I will always remember what NASA/USAF define as the boundary of space) and generally having a great time.

Why was it great? Not to get away from younger and older family members, I could do that at other times. It was wonderful for two reasons. The first one was my attempt to take Leesa’s mind off of losing our grandmother. She was much closer to Grandma Maggi than Brian or I due to her family often living nearby; currently, they had been housemates for several years. At 16, I was still an asshole yet I had the infamous Maggi Humor to lighten the mood (a nod to Uncle Skip!) so I hope I was good company. Being closer to her age, I may have had a clue. The second factor was more personal to me. Hanging with Leesa got me to enjoy being a teenager again and not getting treated like a dumb kid; a never-ending complaint I would have with my parents until 2003. Even before the move to North Dakota, I rarely was allowed to do things with peers thanks to parental paranoia over who knows what. My mother still probably thinks teen pregnancy is an airborne ailment! It was just liberating to hang out and talk with someone at my level. Back to the Future was mainly the framing element to the memory.

Posted in News, The Site | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

RIP Carl Reiner

So many comedy patriarchs are leaving us lately, I’m starting to feel like my grandparents who I thought were obsessed with obituaries during the Seventies and Eighties.

To say Carl Reiner was a legend is an understatement. The man helped define SitComs and Comedy through his work in the 20th Century. I’m too young to know anything before The Dick Van Dyke Show was in syndication but for me, he was responsible for directing all of Steve Martin’s great films: The Jerk, Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid and All of Me. Carl’s sensibilities helped channel Martin’s comedic energy into success unlike Jim Carrey. He will also be remembered as a voice actor, namely as Tilly’s new boyfriend Hank accidentally sees naked in King of the Hill.

Farewell Carl! You brought your Borscht-belt comedic sensibilities and then some to the masses. I don’t think American TV would be the same without your contributions.

Posted in Movies, TV | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

America’s pathetic behavior on display…again

Allegedly, these two assholes who overreacted to the protesters marching in their One Percenter neighborhood are injury-lawsuit lawyers. They should’ve attended a basic weapons training class because, they of all people should know they could be sued for injuring somebody with the weapons they don’t know how to handle. Ya’ know, they misfire, killing another human being thanks to them having the safety off and/or their finger on the trigger. I may be a Liberal and for gun control (the dude in this picture has no right to a military-grade assault rifle) but I also know rule number one: NEVER point a weapon at anyone or thing unless you have every intention of firing. We can hope their business declines from the exposure and they have to give up their nouveau riche mansion.

Posted in News | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

The latest synopsis map of Texas

Glad to say I live in McConaughey…alright, alright, alright. Poor Hoser is residing in Hairsprayplex, the land in which the higher the hair, the closer to god!

Posted in Austintatious | Tagged , | Leave a comment

HEB restroom icon made better by reality

Near Hutto, there’s an HEB Plus (Think Super Target) that had this rather funny restroom sign I couldn’t resist to photograph, share with friends and modify.

First up is what my friend Jeremy said it was missing…ice skates.

Forgive my mediocre art skills, I’m aware that I made the people’s skates resemble those horrendous Crocs.

Next up, what I was thinking all along. An re-enactment of what I call…The 1974 K-Mart Incident involving my dad and brother.

If you have suggestions, contact me, I will give you a copy of the original photo to modify and submit back to me. Meanwhile, I have another possibility in mind a disgruntled employee will probably do one day.

Posted in Austintatious, Humor, Pictures | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Got my first mani-/pedicure, wow!

My hand looks like a movie star!

Today, my girlfriend and I went to get mani-/pedi-‘s before Texas is shut down even further. Fear not! Everybody involved in the process wore a mask! The techs, the counter person, me.

All I have to say about the outcome and the experience…why have I been putting off something this awesome for so long? The nice lady who did the work, holy buckets! I could never trim my fingernails this well. They’re like perfect. If it weren’t the scratches on my hands courtesy of Agamemnon, I could’ve been a model!

This treatment is getting booked away in my mind as something I must do semi-annually to spoil myself.

Posted in Health, News | Tagged | Leave a comment

Texas has to scale back, thanks Gov. Dumbass

It’s not a surprise that Gov. Shitbag and his underlings have had to pump the brakes regarding the COV-19 issue since they open things too soon. Cases are rising very rapidly in Texas but I have a suspicion it’s the virus working its way into the more rural areas. To be fair though, I share a chunk of the blame. Despite wearing a mask, maintaining some distance when I go places, I have been out to restaurants, bars, Pinballz, etc.; I probably should’ve stayed home more often than I did. I’m guilty of suffering from some stir craziness.

However, Texas has a very poor excuse for “leadership” and given how racist, stupid and shortsighted the dying majority is, it’s small wonder we have George P. Bush in a statewide job going full throttle for Orange Foolius.

Let’s hope the Lone Star State flattens the curve the best way possible.

Posted in Austintatious, Health, News | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Brownie the Dragon!

Brownie demonstrating a cat law…’if I fits, I sits,” as she takes up residency in the Playmobil castle I gave Aaron and Robin for the 2019 holidays. Such a funny little creature.

Posted in Cats, Playmobil, Toys | Tagged | Leave a comment

New Barbie accessories for these changing times

This comedian proves that even America’s iconic Barbie doll can roll with the cultural shifts happening today.

Posted in Action Figures, Diversions, Toys | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Father’s Day gift from Jennifer and my cats!

My girlfriend Jennifer is becoming a good influence in my opinion. I’ve lived in Texas for 26 years and I’ve never had anything more authentic than my Stetson hat. So she had a secret conference with Isis and Agamemnon to get me what is called a Pearl Snap Shirt with a bolo tie! I think they all did a great job. I love it. Now when I finally go to the Broken Spoke, I will blend in and not stick out like the Yankee I am.

Posted in Cats, Cool, Shirts | Tagged , | Leave a comment

The “new normal” June 2020

Thanks to a cartoon from The New Yorker, this might be the solution to get me back into the groove of writing for Picayune since Starbucks are not ready.

Posted in Austintatious, News, The Site | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

RIP Joel Schumacher

Joel was often mocked and reviled for what he did in Batman Forever and Batman & Robin, I recall there’s a joke in Robot Chicken in which a convention goer calls him History’s Greatest Monster. However, he did helm a few well-loved films before those horrendous takes on Batman: The Incredible Shrinking Woman, DC Cab and some little Eighties standards called The Lost Boys and St. Elmo’s Fire. Joel had been caught up in controversy long before the Bat too: Falling Down which is a pre-21st Century Incel blueprint. I’m just amazed I’ve seen more of his work than I thought, I saw Dying Young on a date in 1991; House of Cards episodes through Netflix; he did a couple videos for big Aussie faves INXS!

Thanks for everything you did Joel. I know you put up with a lot of crap and if I gave you any, I sincerely apologize. You went out there and kept trying and trying. Doing what you set out to do from the start…entertaining people and I think you did this more often than you believed you did.

Posted in Movies | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

The Cooler

While Jennifer is walking me through all the Netflix-available seasons of Shameless, she introduced me to this movie I somehow overlooked a couple decades ago. I dig movies set in Las Vegas with two exceptions…The Hangover, not funny; Leaving Las Vegas, super depressing and you can tell they’re in Reno.

William H Macy uses his trademarked hound-dog face to play Bernie Lootz, a man who is bad luck incarnate. His luck is so bad, his mere presence can bring another person’s winning streak to an end, ergo, the old Vegas crowd call him a Cooler. Why does he do this? Well, he used to have a gambling problem until the the Shangri-La’s general manager Shelly Kaplow hired him, covered all debts and broke Bernie’s knee (to cure Bernie’s addiction).

When the movie begins, Bernie has a week left on his arrangement with Shelly. After that, he’s leaving Vegas to start a new life. While making his rounds killing various customers’ hot streaks, he intervenes on behalf of Natalie, a waitress getting the business from a patron. Natalie decides to thank Bernie for the help by having a drink. Events then proceed to them having a relationship. Bernie is smitten with Natalie. Natalie likes Bernie because he’s the first guy she’s met not out to hustle her.

I’m going to stop regarding the main plot point since you have to watch the movie to see their romance’s outcome.

Meanwhile, you see Shelly getting pressure from the Outfit to modernize the Shangri-La via Larry Sokolov, an advisor who thinks the casino could make Strip-level revenues. Shelly is adamant. What he operates is genuine Vegas, not the amusement-park crap the other places have pursued (the Nineties); it caters to the true high rollers, gambling is how to make money, not the side attractions.

The other side story is Bernie and Natalie running into Bernie’s son Mikey. Seems that Mikey has followed in his father’s pre-Cooler footsteps as they witness Mikey and his girlfriend Charlene scam a diner into a free meal. During another unexpected encounter, Bernie gives Mikey and the pregnant Charlene his savings with the hope they’ll leave Vegas and get a fresh start like him. Within hours, Bernie soon regrets his generosity.

Again, I highly recommend The Cooler if you enjoy stories involving Vegas, gambling, odd romances and dramas involving people not being their best. It’s not as depressing as it sounds. It starts off rough, Vegas isn’t a town for the faint of heart, especially if you drift away from the Strip or Fremont. You’ll see the shift in the last act. Other highlights involve seeing Paul Sorvino sing, Joey Fatone of NSYNC trying to take Paul’s gig and just all the little demonstrations of just how unlucky Bernie is at life.

Lastly, do I think Coolers exist? The easy answer is no. With the exception of Blackjack, every dice roll, every roulette wheel spin and every slot machine outcome are independent events. Casinos (and the Outfit) don’t need to cheat, they have Math and Probability on their side. Now a casino using a Cooler is a psychological tactic to throw someone off their game much like how chess masters play and I highly doubt modern casinos do, having some people win gets others to play and lose money.

Posted in Movies, Pandemic Theater, Streaming | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

If alien civilizations exist, we may not hear each other

Two Scientists (I couldn’t get their specialities) have taken Drake’s Equation further and have concluded that between four to 211 other SETI-capable civilizations may be present in the Milky Way. They did come to 36 as the most likely number. Sounds pretty bitchin’ but our galaxy is huge. We’d be lucky if the closest aliens are within 1000 light years which makes a long delay in getting responses; the average distance based upon 36 is really 17,000 light years apart. The other bummer element is what we know about civilizations on Earth; these average under a millennium in duration. They’d also be contacting us at a bad time too. Until we get rid of Orange Foolius, the Earth is best quarantined. One upside? Hawking’s worries about us getting the attention of invaders has been reduced.

Posted in Astronomy, Science & Technology | Tagged | Leave a comment